I’d say bye to my wife if my beautiful bisexual lover would have me
Read Deidre's personal replies to today's problems
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Dear Deidre
I HAVE wonderful sex with my lover. I’d leave my wife in an instant and never look back if my lover would have me.
I’m 48 and have been married for 26 long years. My wife’s 47 and negative about everything, especially sex.
Our marriage is in a bad way.
I was made redundant three years ago. I had a high-earning job that meant spending weeks at a time overseas.
I got a good payoff and now work for myself as a business consultant.
It’s going well now but getting it started drove up my stress levels.
I started to think it was time to move on from my marriage and find someone new.
I told myself: “Surely life should be better than this.”
I had an affair with a beautiful woman much younger than me.
It started as a one-night stand after we met in a hotel bar but I wanted much more.
She wasn’t interested in a long-term relationship — she’s 38 and a daring free spirit who just wanted fun.
She left me and went on to have other affairs — mostly with men but sometimes women too.
I moved on to sex with escorts.
Now my lover is back on the scene but she is seeing another man too.
She seems to see me as a friend and a mentor, with occasional benefits, while telling me about the thrilling sex she has with the other guy.
She says time and again she knows I would make her happy but she doesn’t want to commit because she would risk losing our friendship if it went wrong.
I want the real deal with her but unless she can give me commitment I don’t want to give up what I have — a wife, a home and the respect of my two grown-up kids.
It would cause massive stress and I might just wind up with nothing.
But at home I feel like I barely exist.
DEIDRE SAYS: I’m sorry, I think you are fooling yourself.
Your lover is not going to commit to you and has “Danger, keep clear!” written all over her.
If you want to make your life better, you need to get real – begin by stopping seeing her and putting her out of your mind.
Your marriage is in a bad place but I bet you are at least partly to blame.
Did losing your job make you feel like you needed to take back control and make sure you didn’t miss out on the good things in life?
It sounds like you don’t love your wife but you are keeping her there as a backstop. That is very unfair.
Read my e-leaflet Male Mid-Life Crisis and find help from Relate if you want to hold on to your marriage (relate.org.uk).
If you don’t want to try, then it’s time to grow up and be honest with your wife so you can both move on.
Dear Deidre
I WANT to track down my biological dad but my mum isn’t helping at all.
I feel like she’s just thinking about what’s best for her and not about me.
I’m 26 and am happily married with three little boys. I found out last year that the man I thought of as “Dad” is not my real father.
He and my mum split up when I was ten. I never liked him much so I was pleased when he told me the truth.
Now I want to know who my real dad is but my mum refuses to tell me anything. She’s worried he may come back and mess up our lives.
She remarried and they have a child of their own, my half-brother.
I don’t want to upset anyone but nobody is thinking of me.
DEIDRE SAYS: I do understand how you feel but maybe your mum is trying to protect you from hurt.
She may not even know very much about your biological dad.
Explain to her a part of your personal history is missing and ask her again if she will share what she knows.
Promise to take it one step at time and don’t start tracking him down without stopping to think it all through.
Find support from PAC-UK (pac-uk.org, 020 7284 5879).
Dear Deidre
I’M madly in love with a beautiful girl but I’m worried the age gap means our love won’t last.
I feel like she’s The One and she feels the same about me. We’ve been together for a year and everything is going great.
She is 17 and will soon be going off to start her degree. I’m 27 and love my job in event management.
I’ve just got a promotion that means more hours and more weekends away. I only see my girlfriend for a few hours a week as it is.
I’m willing to try a new field of work with more regular hours but that will mean starting again and a huge drop in pay.
My main worry is she’s going away to university. Her whole life will change and how she feels about me might too.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s an awful dilemma but my feeling is you must follow the path you are on and let her follow hers. Let fate take its course.
Encourage her to make the most of all the opportunities at uni.
She will make lots of new friends and, I hope, have a wonderful time.
In the meantime, keep the job you are so good at.
You may still be partners long-term. If not, you will still have a life you love.
Man's mystery all-nighters
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend went out for a drink with his mates and didn’t come home all night.
He didn’t bother to phone and can’t see that he’s done anything wrong.
I’m 29 and he’s 32. We’ve been a couple for eight years and have been living together for eight months.
I spent last night awake worrying about him. He didn’t pick up his phone until 7am.
He said he stayed with a friend. I asked where and he said: “I don’t know.”
He then got annoyed and hung up.
He goes out with his mates like this every few weeks and doesn’t come home until morning.
He never says sorry for worrying me. Am I over-reacting?
DEIDRE SAYS: Have an honest talk about the ground rules of your relationship now you are living together.
Be firm that cheating is not OK and make sure he accepts that.
If he wants to go out with his mates once a month and you’re happy the rest of time, tell him to have fun, turn off your phone and accept he’s a grown-up who’ll find his way home.
Drink leaves my head in a spin
Dear Deidre
I SUFFER terrible panics after I have a few drinks at the weekend.
It’s gone on for the past 30 years.
If I don’t drink, I’m fine but the day after drinking I get a terrible feeling of agitation in my brain.
I’m 52 and it makes me hate myself and everything I’ve done. I can’t work or talk to people.
I’m OK after a few days off drink but life is so boring if I stay in all the time.
How can I find some relief?
DEIDRE SAYS: Are you prone to anxiety even without alcohol?
Is it one of the reasons you reach for a drink?
Alcohol can affect your nervous system, heart rate and levels of serotonin, blood sugar and hydration.
All of these could be factors in the panic attacks you have.
Try to cut down on the drink and find healthier ways of overcoming your boredom.
You can see friends without being on the booze but also get out and go for a walk or a run.
Talk to your GP about your panic attacks, too. You can also find ongoing help from Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk).
Dear Deidre
MY husband’s gone off me. He’s moved out of our bedroom and never wants sex any more.
We’ve been together for eight years and life together used to be great.
Then he started to say he was too tired for sex.
He said it was him and not me.
He’s 52 and I’m 36.
We have three young children and both work full-time.
My life is exhausting but I always made time for him.
I’m craving love and attention from him but he’s in the spare room.
He says he can’t sleep and he’s worried he will keep me awake.
I felt so unhappy that I cheated on him.
I’ve told him I’m sorry and we are doing our best to move on.
I love him so much but I can’t live in a sexless marriage like this.
DEIDRE SAYS: You are feeling rejected but he may be feeling stressed out or drained, and that can wipe out libido big time.
You say that you find life exhausting – and your husband is 16 years older than you.
Urge him to see his GP in case there is a medical problem that needs professional attention.
Suggest that you give each other loving massages and show him you want to stay close.
My e-leaflet Thrilling A Woman In Bed can help to restore his confidence.
Topic of the day
JUST about all of us have sexual fantasies but men and women often mean different things by the word.
Men want to act out theirs while women more often use their imagination to rev up their responses.
That can lead to conflict in relationships.
My Sex Fantasies e-leaflet can help. Email problems@deardeidre.org for a copy.
It's all over so quickly
Dear Deidre
I’M 26 and have a problem with premature ejaculation. It has been an issue for me ever since the first time I had sex.
I’m told I am a good-looking guy and I’ve had several partners since I was 16.
The first girl I was with was so hot that my nerves got the better of me and it didn’t go well.
I’ve been doing my best since then just to prove to myself that I’ve got what it takes, but it always works out the same.
When I’m getting ready for sex it’s fine and I get an erection – but as soon as I start, it’s all over in one or two minutes.
I’m desperate to have a good sex life and I don’t want to be on my own.
Now my self-esteem is so low that I’m scared to approach a new girl.
I know it will end up in failure and shame. What can I do?
DEIDRE SAYS: This is a common problem and generally easy to fix.
It sounds like you’re trying too hard and too soon when you meet someone new. Everything then rests on how well you perform so no wonder you are feeling the strain.
Take it more slowly next time. Find a girl you can care for and give it more time so she can start caring for you.
My e-leaflet Want To Last Longer? has self-help tips to sort this.
BECOME A FORCES PENPAL: My service has helped cheer up our lads for years – especially those serving overseas. Find out how to join in here.
